Warning, it's gonna be a really really longgggg post.

Well,
it's my own fault again, in making the wrong decision.

Time and time again,
though i've already know how man can really disappoint me,
how man can really hurt me,
how man can really be so selfish,
how man can really destroy my trust,

i still choose to put hope in them.
False hope i call that.

Is that how human beings work?
I don't know.
& I need an answer from You Lord.

I hate it when the hope that man can bring to you is just destroyed in awhile by them.

They bring you hanging up high midair,
only to drop you down after awhile.
Causing tears to fall,
and drowning oneself in the hurts as a result.

I've been through this time and time again.
Yet how dumb can I be to still continue hoping in them,
is it just me, or that's how we work, once again i ask.

Now, hope only in Christ and Christ alone.

It just sucks badly at times when the person who gave you such high hope destroys it himself/herself.
& sucks exceptionally badly when it's the person you really love and treasure, isn't it?
Oh well, i guess i'm immune to them.

Btw, just a few hours ago,
i believe i hurt someone with my words through sms,
& I apologise for that. [i hope u know who u are]
That happens when I am too rash, not bothering to take a moment to quieten myself down and think properly.
That's my bad.
That's why i pretty much believe that next, God's going to deal with my character.

Past 4 days weren't around,
things happening to people that i only found out ytd,
i feel really bad about it,
well, that i couldn't be there for them.

It's really just so amazing how God brought me wanzi and huiting together.
Well, i mean, me and wanzi, me and huiting.
It's more than friendship. We're walking this life together!
When I was going through the dark period,
they were there for me, encouraging me on, being my wonderful listening ears.
Now that I'm back from the Renewal Camp so hyped up and refreshed, renewed, charged up,
it's my turn to be there for them as when they need me.
Girls, Push On. (:
I love you my dears.

& yes, I'm serious when i said that I could just sense something really exciting is going to take place in our individual lives girls. :D
I'm so excited. I don't know what it is. But i just have this excitement bursting within me. :D


Tomorrow's amazing race.
Yet at this time, i don't feel like going.

Another spiritual attack.
But at least, I realise it, and I'm GOING TO GO FOR AMAZING RACE.

Satan's really good to attack me at the areas he knows im really weak at.
He really knows how to use emotions to strangle me, to trap me.
But the thing is, he always uses the same old tricks,
that i've came to know how to counter him back.
As much as he's trying even harder to attack me since my passion is found back during camp,
but he don't know that i'm so much more fully armed to counter him back.
Just wait and see.

I totally agree much with wanzidearie,
time off alone is good.
Really good really good.
It's always when I'm walking home alone,
on the bus alone,
do I begin to really sit down and think,
or maybe,
to just walk and cry out to God pouring everything to Him,
crying like a baby, being so transparent about my feelings.


Emotions are good baby.
But never let them take control of your life.
I know that, & I'm learning (:
Like I always said this year,
"Emo is no longer in my dictionary. Maybe last year, but not this year."
& i'm sticking with that baby.

Past memories.
I wonder, are they good or really bad?
Sweet ones, yet hurting ones.
I don't know. But they keep coming back to me like predators in search of preys.
Just feel tired about it.
I don't like the feeling that wherever i go, or whatever i see, will just begin to remind me of many memories.
Memories that are sweet but memories that I never want to look back.

It's tough, but i've got to hold on.
I'm standing on my decision today.

One thing i definitely know is that i'm no longer as gullible as before.
I believe through all that i've been through these months, God has really matured me in some areas.

There's so many things i wanna say, so many things i wanna share.
But time is always not on my side.

I've really got the urge to leave Sg for another country to settle down.
Perhaps NewZealand or Australia or maybe even Cambodia?
I just feel like Sg isn't for me. I don't know.
Now, is it me, or is it God?
I'm not sure.
Shall pray about it and see how it goes.
Hah.

I'm trying hard to move away,
really. Trust me, really hard.
But it's hurting so badly.
That's why I need God so badly to carry me through this process.
I just need Him, Him, and Him alone.
And of cos my dears to be my support.
I didn't know it'll hurt this badly.
Worse than any others in the past.


I'm aware that the road ahead is really going to be much tougher.
But my decision is to perservere on, to push on.
Yes, though my heart is filled with fears that i'll fail and fail again,
but i'll remember what i told dearie, that,
the journey to success is made up of all many steps.
At step 1 i fall, but i choose to pick myself up again and walk again.
And now, i move on to step 2 only to fall on, but I choose to stand up and walk again.
Now to step 3, then to step 4, then to step 5, and so on.
This life is a learning journey to victory, isn't it?

It took me around 4 months to finally have my God-intended breakthrough.
And these months have been constant hurts, pressure, burdens, sins, failures etc.
If, after 4 months God still didn't give up on me, still loving me, still willing to give me my intended breakthrough,
what about you?

We are not to sit here and just wait for God to come to us and do something in our lives.
We are to take the action to choose to GO TO GOD and ASK HIM.

Milestones in Child Development,
Milestones in Our Walk with God.

Amazing Grace, I miss this song.
Mummy loves this song.
I really long to be with again.
I do. I wish for a reunion.

I remember B.Gideon sharing with me on one of the camp nights,
ENTHUSIASM vs PASSION.
What's the difference?
Enthusiasm is only momentary,
but Passion, it's for eternity, forever.
I don't want to be just enthusiastic for God now,
but I want to have the PASSION for God!

Let there be a difference in my life!

& I'll never forget what he said too,
"Do you think all that you've done that disappoint God hurt God is going to stop God from doing what He wants to do in your life?".

and God's asking you today, "Do you still love me?".

Also, how true it is when he shared this, that,
"All your wrongs have been nailed to the cross when Jesus died for us. But the problem with many people nowadays is that we have the tendency to go and take down our sins from the cross ourselves and carry it on our own, becoming a burden to us."

& Ong's,
"Do you think all that you've done that disappoint God hurt God is going to stop God from loving you?"

If your answer is "yes",
then you don't know God well.

For God's grace is sufficient for us.
All these are not going to stop God from loving me or stop Him from doing what He wants to do with/in my life.

Still i must say, it's really tough to let go.
Letting go of the things or people that are so dear to you,
but you've got no choice but to let go cos it's becoming a barrier btwn you and God.
Well, not that you've got no choice,
but it all boils down to who you puts first in your life.
God, or the thing/person that's affecting your walk with God?
It all boils down to which you love.

But one thing i'll remember is,
I'M NOT ALONE.
Everyone's going through this too,
everyone's learning too.


"I can find everything I need in the River!"

As I was walking up the slope and crying to God at the same time earlier on,
I asked God a very stupid question,
"God! Why must life be so tough? Why is it so hard to walk? Why is the slope so hard to walk on!".

Well, i pretty much guess if everything's a straight path,
what's there to learn what's there to prepare us for His Kingdom what's there to test our perseverance and love and faith what's there to test who's going to be the one God recognises and many more.

Oh well. Don't mind what I'm randomly crapping here.


There's really so much I want to type here.
But i'm really too tired to do so already.
My eyes are getting heavier each minute.
I guess i'll be back after i have a proper rest for my body.


God's Love is really beyond words.
My MORE-THAN-AWESOME-GOD.


& i applaud to those who managed to finish reading this post.
*claps*