tough year.tough month.tough week.
everything's not gg to be the same again. never. i doubt so.

its just so hard finding back the old me. the once-to-be happyGOlucky girl.
dunno how im going to pull thru this.
another loved one.. GONE. just like that.
guilt inside me. for not sharing with her. for dragging and dragging.
and now? i dont even noe if she really meant wad she said.. to convert.
ps daniel asked me to try to recall whether i got ask her why she wanted to convert. so we can noe if she's now in heaven or wad. bt seriously, i cant rmb.
if only i didnt drag, if only i did share with her. at least i noe that she's up there.
but now.. i dunno.

another regret. just couldn't understand why isit that one still doesn't learn to cherish the ones arnd him/her after a lesson learnt. why isit that we just take everyting for granted even after we experienced some hurting experience. i am one of them. i took her for granted. and then i regret after she's gone. yet, i didnt learn to cherish those arnd me, my loved ones. and now, lost another. and its too late for regrets now.

saw the tears of my aunts and uncles and cousins. felt so sad. i nv saw them crying b4. esp my dad. another huge blow to him. so.. only did i realise how much all of them loved her so much. finally saw my cousin again. its been quite a few yrs since i last saw him. aged alot. saw him in handcuff..with bodyguards while he came to see her for one last time. saw him cry. haiz. and i rmbered how noisy and lively my hse used to be. its just few years and evt's different. so different from the past. and thru this funeral, guess it'll be the last time when all relatives come tgt.. so united? i duno when we'll have another such gathering. i doubt there will be one again. will nt get to see many of dem anymore, i guess.

uncle and aunt told me to tink thru if wad i've done all these while is right. asked me to go and search my own conscience. yep. i noe im not filial to her. i noe. i noe i've been such an unfilial daughter. such an unfilial granddaughter. now got no more nags from her. so different. once again i gotta to learn to adapt a different atmosphere. felt so bad. didnt get to see her b4 she left. didnt get to tok to her..

thanks. i noe all of you care for me. bt stop pressing me.. i nd time. me too want to be as cheerful and lively as b4. bt..i just couldnt. any smiles now are jus all forced. i noe its jus a matter of whether i want it not. bt..this time rnd its just too deep a cut. i dunno how to be back my old self. i just duno how to. and maybe i don't want to? i duno. i really dunno how to pull thru anymore. i dont noe how to go on. its too tough. its the second one alrdy.. im just so afraid of losing a third one. two great women in my life.. snap! gone just like that..

i need your strength..